The noise inside my head

I drove my son and my neighbor's daughter to school today instead of having them ride the school bus as usual so that we could make a trip to the public library. They are both in afternoon kindergarten, so we didn't need to be at school until 12:15 pm. We stayed a little too long at the library, so we were already running late when I got stuck behind a slow moving truck. Normally, this type of thing rolls off me. So what, the kids will be a little tardy to school. However, today was the day that the children were bringing flower stems to give to the school principal who is retiring after 19 years of service. This was happening in the school lobby as the students lined up to go to their class rooms. As we inched along behind the truck, I found myself frustrated and tense. I was giving myself a good mental beating for not being more organized. And, then I noticed what I was doing...I had made up a story that the kids would be disappointed, my neighbor would be upset with me and that the staff of the school would be put out that the children were late. None of this had happened, but I had imagined myself into an awful situation. Once I recognized what I was doing, I took a deep breath, eased my foot off the gas pedal and let go of control over the events yet to come. My body relaxed and I no longer felt like running down the car ahead of me or yelling at the kids who were beating each other over the head with their flower stems.


My meditation teacher often tells us that while our ego mind is important and useful to us...it also bullshits (her word) us all of the time. Even with medication, my mind likes to make up stories. It occupies itself during the day by spinning yarns. I never really feel alone because whether or not I am in the same room with other people, my mind is still holding debates or lengthy, in-depth conversations with friends, loved ones, colleagues or even those who have passed on.

Through meditation I have learned to watch my mind and how it works. I try to watch without judgement and with loving compassion. My mind is a protector, a problem-solver and a storyteller. Its purpose really is to help me, but what has taken me some time to appreciate is that it is not my true self and often, though not always, works from a place of fear for my safety.